THE SEWERS — Thousands of conservative rats swarmed outside of City Hall to protest the use of rodent contraceptive as part of a recently introduce bill colloquially known as “Flaco’s Law.”
After escaping from the Central Park Zoo, a male Eurasian eagle-owl named Flaco flew free for more than a year before splatting into a building on the Upper West Side. An autopsy revealed that the avian icon consumed a dangerous amount of rodenticide, most likely poisoning him.
“It’s not like WE fucking killed him,” said Susan Whiskers of the Repro-dents, a pro-life rat organization. “If anything, he killed US.”
The bills in question would replace poison with rat contraception, which Whiskers says is unnatural.
“I have the Darwin-given right to have anywhere between 100 to 1,250 babies in one year. These bills are textbook cases of good ole fashioned speciesism,” says Whiskers.
Supporters of the bill disagreed.
“Besides, you know, killing us, poisons significantly impact the flavor of rats,” said Robert Talon, a member of the Parks Department’s Pest Control team. “My workload has been really overwhelmingly lately. Working at a buffet as a professional eater is not as fun as it sounds.”
The Pigeon Post 